Life in General

Real Reason Why

When I went out on a couple of not-a-date date with this guy friend of mine, I ended up confirming two things: what I have always known, and what I didn’t want to know.

Even though I tried to convince myself that no, I’m not leading him on, I knew deep down that I was. Even though I did say that I don’t want any relationship and that going out doesn’t mean it’s a date, the very fact that I went out with him and let him put a lot of effort for me still equates to giving him false hope. I’ve always known what it means to lead someone on.

Another thing that I’ve confirmed but didn’t want to know is the truest reason why I don’t want a relationship and the deepest source of my dismissal of it–fear and pride. Fear of being hurt and going through all that pain again, and pride because I didn’t want to accept that my previous relationship had this huge effect on me.

Life in General

21

Today, I turned 21!

In just one year, so much has changed. Last year, I remember how we moved to our new house exactly on my birthday. I remember how I spent my birthday emptying boxes and moving furnitures.

At that time, I remember feeling as if I had everything I have ever wanted. We have just moved to our new house, my friends and I were going out for dinner, and the person whom I thought was the love of my life was right next to me–I felt very satisfied and contented.

This year though, it’s different. Yes, I am happy and fulfilled–I went out with my family, and had dinner with my friends as well. However, what changed is my focus: I started making plans and setting up goals for myself again. I went to BC for my internship; I finished bartending school; I’m applying at new jobs; I’m spending more time with family and friends; I’m being more carefree (more than I already am) but at the same time developing some stronger sense of self-control; I am trying to make myself a better version of me.

In all of these, I thank my God for having blessed me with an amazing family, great group of friends, a stable job, and for the tons of opportunities He has thrown my way and I pray and hope He will continue to do so. I know that most of the time, I attribute almost everything that I accomplish to myself and my hardwork. But at the end of the day, I know that all these are possible because of my God who has blessed me, and is continuously doing so. So much has changed, but one thing hasn’t–His love for me; it’s everlasting.

Life in General

Not Yet

I have forgotten how it feels like for someone to show you some effort, and gosh, it feels great.

But there’s just one thing: I know for a fact that his efforts, although appreciated, are just going to waste, if spent on me. I am not ready just yet to let someone in my life again.

Sure, we talk and go out at times. And yes I have to admit, it’s fun. It’s nice to just be able to go out for lunch, or dinner, or whatever with someone. But that’s where I want it to end–I don’t want commitment, more particularly, emotional at that. I know, deep in my heart, that I don’t want any relationship whatsoever: no more emotional attachment and investment on my end.

It’s appreciated, but I can’t reciprocate it just yet.

Life in General, Photographs

What It’s Like

Sometimes, it honestly feels like I am in the wild–I’m not sure what I’m going to see. The thought of a new adventure sends an adrenaline rush kind of feeling that excites and thrills me. But at the same time, the fear of the unknown is also lurking at the back of my mind.

But most of the time, what I like about it the most is getting the same sense of relaxation that you get when you’re out lying on the sand sunbathing; the soothing calmness of sitting on your patio with a book on one hand and coffee on the other; that peaceful feeling when your mind is free from any kind of worry.

Life in General

Water Under the Bridge

It’s amazing how you can be so in love with someone for some extended period of time, and then not.

I can still remember the times when you meant the world to me. I can still recall how with just one look at you, I would fall in love with you over and over again.

But what I can’t remember is the happiness and satisfaction I felt then. I know I loved you, but that memory seems so distant, as if it happened so long ago. I can still remember the things I used to say. But now, they are all devoid of meaning–just a bunch of water under the bridge.

Truth Forum

Until When?

IMG_8345.JPGI often find myself thinking about you whenever I’m alone.

By alone, I mean when I’m sitting on the couch in my living room where we always used to sit; you always sat on the right side. We’d put on a show to watch, and then halfway through it I’ll get distracted and just start kissing you.

By alone, I mean when I’m eating on the table where we used to eat–I would always set the table for two whenever you came over. I never thought I’d like it, but setting the dining table and serving you food–even though I didn’t cook it, I literally just served it–was one of the many things I liked doing for you.

By alone, I mean when I’m on the basement, staring at the scrabble board; we only played it once, but we never finished because I had to go to work. We usually stayed in the basement when either my parents or my sisters were using the main living room.

By alone, I mean when I’m driving and then John Mayer’s Gravity starts playing on the radio. I didn’t really like him or his music, but I remember how you went on and on about how great of a musician and singer he is, and how that song is one of your favourites.

By alone, I mean when I notice how it’s pouring outside, and all I could think about is how much you like the rainy days more than the sunny days. You find it so comforting to the point that you’d listen to the sound of rain or thunder and lightning to help you go to sleep.

By alone, I mean when I’m lying on my bed, late at night, like this, wondering, until when will I see your face everywhere I turn, and remember all the things we did–the things we can’t do anymore.

By alone, I mean when I am fully aware of how much I miss you, but there is nothing I can do about it.