I have never wondered if maybe I could’ve done something more…”
My friend tagged me on this facebook post about another blog and it made me want to write this quick and short post: I have never wondered if maybe I could’ve done something more or what not, because I know that before I gave up and threw the towel in, I gave it my very all.
Sure, I have thought about if maybe I was more mature, or more selfless, or more understanding, things might’ve turned out differently. But never for a second did I think of “giving more” and “putting in more work” because I did–I had, to the point of complete and utter exhaustion. By the time the “towel was thrown,” there was basically nothing left to give, not a single thing left, not even for myself.
I know, that title is a bit mouthful. But that is exactly what the last three months have been. When I came back from my vacation, I was certain with one thing: I want to enjoy and go with the flow. I’m the type of person who usually knows what she wants, and what she doesn’t want; why I do certain things and avoid some. But after Philippines, I did not want to know anymore. I wanted to explore the “uncharted waters,” to “go outside of my box.” And so I did a lot of things that were highly uncharacteristic, such as going out on dates, and partying and getting drunk (among other things).
It was also when I came back decided to try out something I have never considered before: dating a friend. At first I was insisting that it was all casual and friendly, although I know I wasn’t fooling anyone (not even myself). In my previous relationships (there weren’t many, just a couple), the guys I dated were never “just my friend.” We didn’t become friends or get to know each other just to be friends; it was always for something more, or maybe it was just that way for me. I have never considered dating a friend because one, that opportunity didn’t present itself that much, and two, once I consider someone a friend, it’s hard for me to think of them in any way but that. But because I just wanted to go with the flow and do things outside of my box, I gave it a try. I thought, “we’re friends, so going out should be okay.” And it was okay–great even. I liked his company and enjoyed our conversations. The past couple of months have been filled with a lot of firsts, just trying new things. But there’s just one thing: I like him as a friend.
For the most of this post, I kept going on and on about what I thought, about how I felt. I wanted to go with the flow. I was so focused on me that I forgot that there was another person who’s feelings I should consider, my friend’s. But one late night conversation with my sister brought me out of my fallacy. She asked me: “are you sure you’re not just leading the guy on? what will happen if while going with the flow, you get carried away too far off the shore?” After all, I didn’t wander off the shore the last time but I still found myself drowning. How much more now, when I’ve decided to actually take a dip on the wide ocean while exploring the uncharted waters? The waves are higher this time, and the chances of me drowning again are greater. Her line of questioning felt like a huge bucket of water was dumped over my head and it brought me back to my senses.
To end this post and continue on with the metaphor, I told myself: now that the waves have calmed, and the storm is no more, exploring is over–and back to the shore I go.