Life in General, Truth Forum

Will I Be Able To?

Lately, I found myself thinking whether or not I will ever love again, or, better yet, allow myself to fall in love again. I have wondered, for the longest time, what it is that ultimately causes me to dismiss the idea of falling in love and committing in a serious relationship. At first, I thought that maybe I’m bitter, or that I have not move on, or maybe I just haven’t found someone who’s made me want to give it a try again. But it’s not until recently that the answer to my question has dawned on me, presented itself to me in the most obvious form, an innate nature and character in me, that it definitely should not have come off as a surprise: my fear of failure.

Anyone who knows me can very well attest just to how competitive I am, even in the smallest of things. I am not used to failing, and I certainly do not like failing. Now it might come off as being cocky, but I’m just the type of person who likes to be good–or if I’m honest, exceptional–at what I do. And that characteristic translates not just in my workplace, or in school, but seemingly, in my personal relationships as well.

I realized that I have attributed a relationship that did not work as a personal failure–I have put in work, put in effort, invested my time, resources, and most importantly, myself, in something, in someone, and yet, I failed. I have always thought that when I put my mind into something, then I can do it, no matter how difficult it is. But the fact that it did not put a dent on that confidence, and in its place, my fear of failure was instilled, embedded, and over time, nestled and made a niche in me, that is my dismissive nature.


This picture was taken a year ago, when all that confidence was crumbling, yet on the outside, I tried my hardest to appear as if I was unaffected, like I have no care whatsoever, dismissing the very fact that despite my best efforts, I have failed. It’s refreshing to be able to look back on those times and see just how far I’ve come: from a broken spirited girl hiding behind a facade of a seemingly put-together person to the me now, who, I’d like to believe, is actually a little better put-together; the me who’s come to terms with her limitations, failures, inabilities, and believe it or not, some insecurities, and, who hopes that one day, when that fear of failure goes away, I will be able to tell myself, “you did, after all.”

Life in General

Going back

I think it’s been roughly a year now when I (subconciously) made the decision (if that even makes any sense) to start living my life with a more “go with the flow” or “happy go lucky” kind of approach in life, not completely, but almost entirely. And for the most part, it’s been awesome, it’s been fun–not having to think too much ahead, or plan and what not. It’s so cliche, but it felt really good to be “living the life in the moment.” It was a very welcomed change.

But lately I started feeling more like my old self again, particularly with my hobbies and interests, with my dreams and aspirations for the future. And to help me realize those plans and goals, those dreams and aspirations, even though it may seem very trivial and insignificant, I started buying and reading books again, books that are one way or another related to history, or political philosophy. It’s comparable, at least I would like to believe, to taking one more step forward, a step which I hope will help me in my future endeavours.

Life in General

What a Year!

It’s been a year since I spent an entire summer in BC as part of my co-op program in university, and all I can say is exactly that title: what a year!

It was around this time last year when I was just starting to adapt to my new environment, learning to live on my own (for the first time!), away from my family, friends, and the city I’ve called home. It was both exciting and nerve-wracking: exciting because it’s a completely new experience for me, I have never lived on my own before, let alone in a town 1000 miles away from home; it’s nerve-wracking because I’m supposed to spend three months, my entire summer, in this new place where I know no one, at all.

At first, I thought I was going to just work the entire summer and not have any fun plans at all. Luckily, my family decided to visit me on July long weekend together with a couple other friends of ours. We drove to Vancouver and spent three days just catching up and doing all the touristy things we could do while in the city.

A month later, my two bestfriends, against all odds, drove all the way to Kelowna just to see me and make something happen out of my summer. Viehl, who just got her license three months prior, was brave enough to drive through the windy roads of British Columbia, while Bianca stayed true to her words and kept her promise to visit me, despite going through some very rough times herself at the time.

Looking back, last summer has been pretty rough on all three of us. We were all going through some personal struggles: we all had some baggage we were carrying, we each had a boy we were having issues with, and at the same time we all just wanted a to have a breather, and have some fun, and enjoyment, and have a moment to just live and not think and worry or what not. Like that song says, “girls just want to have fun.” And that summer, we did have fun, despite all the hardship, despite all the difficulty, despite all the troubles. That summer went by so quickly, and before I know it, not only was I sad to leave Osoyoos and the friends I’ve made, but now it’s a year later already and those are all just a bunch of good memories. They are now things of the past, a couple of shared stories that whenever we look back on, we just share a good laugh about it. Through it all, I’m glad I had those two, and I’m grateful to still have them in my life, not just this summer or the next, but forever, for lifetime.

Life in General

When It’s Wrong To Just Go With The Flow

1I know, that title is a bit mouthful. But that is exactly what the last three months have been. When I came back from my vacation, I was certain with one thing: I want to enjoy and go with the flow. I’m the type of person who usually knows what she wants, and what she doesn’t want; why I do certain things and avoid some. But after Philippines, I did not want to know anymore. I wanted to explore the “uncharted waters,” to “go outside of my box.” And so I did a lot of things that were highly uncharacteristic, such as going out on dates, and partying and getting drunk (among other things).

It was also when I came back decided to try out something I have never considered before: dating a friend. At first I was insisting that it was all casual and friendly, although I know I wasn’t fooling anyone (not even myself). In my previous relationships (there weren’t many, just a couple), the guys I dated were never “just my friend.” We didn’t become friends or get to know each other just to be friends; it was always for something more, or maybe it was just that way for me. I have never considered dating a friend because one, that opportunity didn’t present itself that much, and two, once I consider someone a friend, it’s hard for me to think of them in any way but that. But because I just wanted to go with the flow and do things outside of my box, I gave it a try. I thought, “we’re friends, so going out should be okay.” And it was okay–great even. I liked his company and enjoyed our conversations. The past couple of months have been filled with a lot of firsts, just trying new things. But there’s just one thing: I like him as a friend.

I was so involved with my own feelings to the point that I only saw me; everything else–everyone else, was just a blur.

For the most of this post, I kept going on and on about what thought, about how felt. wanted to go with the flow. I was so focused on me that I forgot that there was another person who’s feelings I should consider, my friend’s.  But one late night conversation with my sister brought me out of my fallacy. She asked me: “are you sure you’re not just leading the guy on? what will happen if while going with the flow, you get carried away too far off the shore?” After all, I didn’t wander off the shore the last time but I still found myself drowning. How much more now, when I’ve decided to actually take a dip on the wide ocean while exploring the uncharted waters? The waves are higher this time, and the chances of me drowning again are greater. Her line of questioning felt like a huge bucket of water was dumped over my head and it brought me back to my senses.

To end this post and continue on with the metaphor, I told myself: now that the waves have calmed, and the storm is no more, exploring is over–and back to the shore I go.

Life in General

When in Bora

15940742_10206247102096129_4390377124020398271_nBefore the year ended, I was blessed enough to be able to visit the Philippines for the first time since moving to Canada six years ago. And man, it was, by far, one of the best vacations I have ever had in my whole life. However, the most memorable part of the trip, at least for me, would have to be Boracay.

We were able to visit the beautiful island of Boracay and enjoy the powder-like white sand the beach has to offer. We stayed at a private resort and got a view of the island like no other while sunbathing by the poolside with frozen margaritas in our hands. One of the most unforgettable experiences I’ve had in Boracay would have to be our pub crawl experience. It was truly a wild, crazy, and fun-filled night.

For the first time in my life, I got drunk, or maybe just a little bit tipsy. For the most part, I remember how the night unfolded: we met at the rooftop of a Greek restaurant, met a bunch of people, had a couple of shots and cocktails before moving on to the next bar, a lot of small talk, and some flirting and attempts for conversation over the loud, and I say loud music, and what not. Even though I went to this event with a group, we ended up meeting a couple of nice people whom we pretty much spend most of the night with. As the event’s motto says, “turning strangers into friends.”

It wasn’t until we were at this very last bar that I felt the alcohol working its magic in me. A friend of mine bought our whole group a shot of Bacardi 151 to celebrate her upcoming birthday. Until then, I didn’t feel intoxicated at all–I felt normal. I remember pretty well how this one guy that we met kept asking me if I was still doing okay, and I kept saying that I was. But after downing that Bacardi, and a couple more other shots, I started to feel drowsy and dizzy and I could feel my control over my body and myself slowly slipping away. A couple more minutes later, I knew I was gone when I just wouldn’t stop talking.

I have never partied like that–dancing and screaming and shouting “yeah!” and whatever chants we seemed to be hollering–nor have I ever drunk as much as I did that night in my whole life. I only started drinking when I moved to BC in the summer of 2016 and I’ve never had more than three drinks. But during that pub crawl, I don’t even know how many shots I have taken. My friend told me that we didn’t really drink that much, but for me, it was enough to drive my immune system crazy because the next morning, my whole upper body was covered with rashes, which didn’t go away until three days later.

Through all that partying, I realized a couple of things. One, that I’m glad I did it with friends whom I trust completely to lookout for me and take care of me. There were a couple of instances wherein some guys would just not get a hint and just grind all over you, partly because they were intoxicated, and partly because they were in the zone and were just having fun. Also, I’m glad I did it and met people who, at least for that night, became our friends and had fun with. Finally, I also realized that I am never getting drunk again, because those rashes looked pretty ugly, not to mention they were very itchy.

Life in General

Real Reason Why

When I went out on a couple of not-a-date date with this guy friend of mine, I ended up confirming two things: what I have always known, and what I didn’t want to know.

Even though I tried to convince myself that no, I’m not leading him on, I knew deep down that I was. Even though I did say that I don’t want any relationship and that going out doesn’t mean it’s a date, the very fact that I went out with him and let him put a lot of effort for me still equates to giving him false hope. I’ve always known what it means to lead someone on.

Another thing that I’ve confirmed but didn’t want to know is the truest reason why I don’t want a relationship and the deepest source of my dismissal of it–fear and pride. Fear of being hurt and going through all that pain again, and pride because I didn’t want to accept that my previous relationship had this huge effect on me.